I do not know the power of vulnerability.

I do not know the power of vulnerability.
And I think it is a very importance lesson for me to learn.

Lately I have been feeling, "Emotionally disconnected" Which is a pretty way of saying emotionally unstable. I didn't know why until just about twenty minutes ago. I was talking in my car with a dear old friend and then my soul began to speak, my lips just danced in the right way which produced words. It was as if there was a novel living inside my chest and it just ran out of my mouth. No, it wasn't a novel it was a tree. This tree has really deep roots. These roots stretch across my body from the tips of my toes to the top of my head.

It all started about a week ago. I was talking with someone about the fear that comes to my mind when I think about being in a relationship. Which lead to her kindly asking, "Well, how are you with friendships?" And then a million blank loose leaf sheets of paper flooded my mind. I first acted like I knew the answer, and then eventually said, "I don't know.." This question haunted me. I felt like it was one that should be matched with an answer. But it didn't. It remained clueless.

Then I started thinking about my friendships with people. There are my sisters. Janna and Jes know me. I never realized how much it means to me to have someone truly know me and love me to the degree that they do. When we all lived together, I instantly knew who I was more by sitting in a room with one of them in silence, than talking hours about my opinions on theology with someone I met in college a year ago. Of course, this is natural I grew up with them. Then I started thinking about my friendship with Anne. Our relationship is full of depth, I've learned the beauty that the Lord brings to us through deep rooted friendships like her. However, if I had met Anne a year ago, I'm sure all I would know about her is her major, how her day was, and that she is lactose. Once, again she knows me but it came with years of being around me. I want to learn how to be open with people in my life that are present.
I want to learn how to rip open my skin, and say:
this is who I am.
That is where my secrets are
that is where I feel insecure
that is where I shiver in shame
this is where my tears flow from
this is why I feel angry when people say that
this why I hide
this is the memory I keep out
this is why commitment scares me
This is why I feel guilty
that is exactly why I'm always on the go
This is why it's hard for me.

I came home a lot last semester. I chose to disconnect myself with several people blaming it on the fact that I was taking a 400 level class. I came home for the sake of being reminded of who I am. But, I need to learn who I am again. I need to learn how I am without Janna and Jes speaking those beautiful truthful identity statements over me constantly.


I'm learning that I don't know how to go deep with friends.
I'm learning that I'm really good at asking questions and shifting the vulnerability microphone away from me.
I'm learning that I've always been envious of people who can be open with newer friends
I'm learning that I feel guilty/nervous with certain conversations revolve around me.
I'm learning how powerful it is to be vulnerable with people.

I will learn this lesson that my heart longs to learn.

My heart goes as deep as the core of the earth,
My soul has deep roots.
One day you will see it.